Confidence

Due to the boredomness I felt these days, the same routines I've been through, so I went to each of my friends' profile in friendster to kill some time. Some of them in college, most in matrics and a quarter has went studying overseas. Me? I'm in matrics. But still, just now I regret for what I did before; not studying hard. I feel envious seeing them.

I heard that after I finished studying in matrics, there'll be some form to be filled which is to continue studying overseas which that'll be my hope to catch. I can't wait for it. Why am I so dying to study at others country? This question always playing in my mind. I think that it's the only way to boost up my confidence, my speaking. The fact of being forced, I mean that would the only way of me to speak in english is by living in their country. Practising with my friend? I don't think so. I'm just too afraid to say even a word in english. I don't know. This weird feeling always come whenever I'll try to speak in english except in my english class where we had to speak in english, either else, our exam mark will be deducted. Noooah!

The fact of me lacking in english language. Not so really. I got excellent marks in writing paper. Plus I jumped to level 5 out of 6 when I first started. This was tested by doing english paper first before entering the matrics. But, if there were speaking test, I bet that I'd be in lower level. This is really frustrating. I think that if I speak in english, I'd speak in wrong grammar, wrong use of words, or that someone will think I'm just showing off. That's what I'm afraid of.

Back to the filling form, however, my mom doesn't allow me. She wants me to study in local university, be with her. I think she doesn't want me to study abroad because she doesn't have the confidence of me being alone, self-arranged in everything I do. Now what this means?? Another reason for me to study abroad! I want to show her that I can do it by MYSELF. I'm not a kid anymore, mom. Please has some confidence of me to do something on my own.. I can't be under your arm all the time (though I do that most of the time).

Maybe this is due to my ownself. Back when I was in form 1, I went to boarding school which is also the school where my mother taught. Although I got to see her everyday except weekend, I cried at her a LOT whenever she went to visit me. It was embarrassing actually. My dorm-mates usually will peek at the window if thet knew my mom went to the hostel. All of them! I think about 15 of them. That's why I was well-known as mommy's kid.

That was years ago, yet now I'm living in hostel at my matrics. Still, I cried too whenever my parents come to visit me or when I got home, I'd tell EVERYTHING to my mom. This includes when I've fallen in love with some one which I called ' the pink boy'. Well, it was kinda sudden love because I fall in love with him on the first sight! And that was when iftar for BEN students member (bachelor of english), and he wore pink baju melayu at that time. With his sunglasses, aaah.. At first I didn't really noticed him and it started when I went to get some food and he was there. Then, when I reached for kuih lapis suddenly my hands were grabbed by him. He said, "No you can't take this. It's MINE." I was shock surely enough. Then he laughed and said, "Haha, I was just joking". And that time, it was like in a slow-motion, I saw his smile.... very CUTE!! The smile was meant for me~

Ehem, I went too far. so yeah, I tell everything to my mom. So what? But really I really want to study abroad. Once I asked my mom, "Mom, don't you want me to be on newspaper making some utterance for you? Like, "Hello Malaysia, I'm Izyan from University of Harvard (for example) wants to say Selamat Hari Raya to all malaysian, especially to my mom n dad, not to forget my siblings, blah blah.. "" My mom quickly answered a big NO. I knew she wants it sooo much! It's that she doesn't want to be far with her. But this is my own good mom, and for you. I want to make you proud of me. I don't want to be compared with my genius cousin anymore. Whom always got straight A's in her subjects, whom is the best students in her school. Aah, I'm different mom, take the fact. I want to grow up..

My plan in the future

So this day I've overheard my brother and my younger brother talking about internet. Actually, simple to say it's about me. I get the most of the time get online, chatting, check emails and whatever else I want to do while surfing the internet. I think they get ennvious of me get the most of the time while they aren't. Well, come on! Who say that you guys can't play the computer? They don't even ask me while I was in front of the computer. Whatever.

So the first thing i want to do in the future is to buy my own house. After that, get simple furniture like sofa, bed, bathroom and kitchen suppliers. I eat a lot anyway. So it's a must for me to get the most important thing which is the ice box!! I had to put the snacks, fast foods such as chicken roll, sausages, fish cakes and so on. I'm thinking like this, in the future, me, as a successful woman working every day (except weekend) will be very very busy that I got no time to cook at all. So fast food is a big YES to me.

Then, after complete the essential things. I want to buy something that I like, which are having streamyx cable internet with the same cost every month although we open internet 24 hours every day), I want to buy play station or x-box or whatever newie that has been launched at that time. I love to play games. I don't mind whatever people gonna say. Anyway, who say that girls can't play games?? And.. I wanna have i pod-touch and playstation portable (PSP) which will I bring when I'm outside.

Hmm, for the bathroom, I want to have an exclusive bath tub that can accommodate at least 4 people. With marble floor and wall and such elegant colors. Big mirror so that I can see my whole beautiful body. Haha. And, what ... hmm.. And, another thing is, I want to have at least two cats to accompany me. I expect I'll live alone for awhile. I want to enjoy living alone for a few years until I change my mind to get marry. I love animals, so I think imma fill up one of the room exclusively just for my pets. Like in the movie, having a bed for my cats, gold bowls for them to eat on. Aaah... what a heaven life for my pets..

Hmm, for the entertainment ( isn't what am I talking is all about entertainment?), I want to have loads of full series of Korean drama and English such as smallvile, heroes, cashmere mafia, pushing daisies and so on. These can fill up my leisure time with popcorn on my lap, comfortable sofa, my cats beside me watching television too plus a bushy mat under my feet. Waah!

That'd be such a heaven for me. But I'm afraid I'd be such butt-load lazy woman. Anyway, it's good to have a dream right? Like my friend used to say, success starts with dream, dreams start with sleeping. So we need to sleep right to succeed in our life right? Haha, she was joking of course, me either. :)

I love my mom

Okey, whatever people gonna say. I'm just gonna say this though. I love my mom! I miss her although she has just went out for 3 days outstation this morning. It was like, without her I had nothing. Nothing to do, like no one to talk with, no one to hug with, no one for me to tell jokes. Everything. I eat alone, I sleep alone, laying down on the bed alone. I feel blank.

This day, I just laid down on her bed. Watching television which is beside the bed. Took a long nap. And just imagine that she's beside me. Talking. Laughing together. She's been through so many thing. First with her children, I meant us. We got her troubles in her life non-stop. Bad attitudes. Inappropriate behaviors to adults, relatives, or people who come to our house. We made her embarrassed by our inappropriate. Everything. Me messed her life so much.

But she still loves us. We sulk a lot. It's like a must for us do that once in two months. I'm sorry. We're sorry mom. I think it's best for you to take a rest there, though it's for job duty. She went there for some course she should take along with the principal of school. Yes, she's a teacher there. She used to be a mathematics teacher, a discipline teacher. Now we've moved, she's been upped to a new level. Hmmm, in Malay it's Penolong Kanan. But since then, she's been busy with her work every single time. Once, she had to bring the school's personal computer (PC) to do her work in her bedroom. She'd been up all the night arranging the school schedule for each classes, every teachers. Plus for the whole year schedule.

Recently, she always locked herself in her bedroom. I'm afraid she would do something stupid. But I won't say it though it's human nature to think of ridiculous things. It's worrying seeing our mom in sadness. But she won't share her problems to me. To everyone in our family. None. This really makes me worried about her. I'm not happy though now I can be categorized being a lucky person because I got into university since 4 months ago. A week before I finished the first semester, I had to go back to my hostel to take some stupid exams. Before I went back to hostel, there were some misunderstanding between my mom and dad.

This started when my dad fasting for that day. For the dinner, my mom re-heat the foods she cooked for the lunch. I was there when my dad asked me what was I doing. I said I was heating the lunch. Maybe he was hoping new dinner cooked especially for him. Then, he just walked outside, start the engine car and went off. He ate outside that night. After 30 minutes, my mom asked me where was my dad? I said he might be eating outside. My mom's face instantly changed and said, "I cooked very hard, then you eat outside".

At that night, as usual, I opened the door after knowing my dad had back home. I expected nothing unusual about my dad. Shook and kissed his hands. And he walked off to the living room. At that time, my mom locked the door. She didn't know that my dad had back home. So, I just sat back in front of television. Suddenly, I heard a sound like a door being smashed, or kicked or whatever. It was my dad kicking the door.

I screamed for my mom's name. Instantly, my mom opened the door. Yet, my dad fiercely grabbed ang pulled my mom's hair and pushed her head towards the bed. I was shocked by my dad's behaviour. I never seen him like that. Never seen him beating my mom. Never. From that time, I hate my dad.

It's just why need to pull off your expressions physically?It might give you such a relief but it hurts the others. Gah. This is an endless issue. I might be talking about this in another blog entry. I might but no promise. I feel better expressing my feeling through this blog though it brings nothing actually in my life. Just want to fill up my time.

Another worse day

So bored. Imma talk about what happened today. I got up at 2 pm. Still sleepy though and just laying on my bed for another hour. Listening the crowdness downstairs from my sister’s bedroom. Yeah, I slept in my sissy’s room. She’s in other state working as a teacher and gonna back home I guess next month for her upcoming wedding day.

Back to the story, actually today we’re having open house. Everyone was busy cleaning and preparing the food. They got up at 6 am I supposed. Mopping the floor cleaning what-so-ever they can. Oh.. girls. That’s their job anyway. Plus, the purpose of having open house today because of my elder sister said so. She invites her friends and, her boyfriend. She introduced for the first time her boyfriend to my family. Unluckily my dad wasn’t here. I had no idea where he was. He always like that. He won’t even be at home 3 days straight. Never! I hate him. Gah.

Whatever, yeah. Everyone was busy. Me just sleeping. Although people started fulling my house, I was still on my bed. My eyes were still closed. Blanket still covering me though it was damn hot! I think it was 4 pm I started to get up. Walking to bathroom to take a shower. I couldn’t stay still hearing my kitties meowing, crying for my help, I guess. The kids who came to my house keep holding them and aargh, ionno what they were doing to my kitties. The thing is, I hate strangers holding my cats without mah permission. Very prohibited. lol

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, walking to the bathroom with my oily face, messy hair, odored smelly body. The fact is, I bath once a day, everyday. I’m so lazy to take a bath. It’s damn cold. Haha. No it’s not. It’s just me being a lazy girl. So after finished bathing, I chose what to wear today. My pants…. meh, imma wear yesterday’s. My t-shirt, searching under the whole pile of unfolded clothes in the wardrobe. Yeah, found one. Blue color with stripes on it.

With the hungriness I felt. I hold it. It was just that I hate meeting people. ‘Full of mouths’. They just gonna say everything they say. The time I’ve finished bathing, there was my aunt’s family there. They came on purpose after knowing that my sister’s boyfriends gonna come. What a busybody. And, they’re the one who’ll tell whole of our relatives about that. “Oh, you knew that her boyfriend came? Very handsome… bla bla bla.. ” what-so-ever.

So, I just went to my another sister’s room and opened the computer, got online. Opened the regular sites I’ve been sticking with for months. Yeah, when I’m addicted to something, I’ll stick to it for a long time. But the windows were opened and a bunch of kids were outside torturing my cats. Actually it’s not that ‘torturing’. They were just holding my kitties saying, “Oh so cute, so fluffy!”. But I hate it, so much. Oh well, kept on doing my things, ignoring the stupid kids.

After an hour or so, I heard nothing, just silent. So I guess those people have gone. And I went downstairs. But no. There was a couple there. One holding a plate eating satay, our local food. And one just gazing at him. She’s my sister by the way, and her boyfriend. For the first time I saw the real him in front of me. Before this, I just saw his face through my sister’s phone, peeking ‘illegally’ at his photos. Hmm, he was quite tall. Good looking. And blah. Why should I care of. Me, myself still hasn’t have the Mr. X . Still young ;p nah, I’m not interested actually with this coupling butterfly thingy.

I took about 10 satays and ate in front of tv, ignoring the lovely couple, watching Hannah Montana on Disney Channel. Yeah, I won’t lie. I like watching kids programs. I’m proud to be one of the Pokemon fans. haha. Thank God, I’ve fulled my stomach after hours holding the hungriness. Oh well, it give me benefits too. My stomach became a little flat than it was. I had a bad habit. Whenever I eat, I’ll sleep instantly after that. It feels ‘gewd’. No wonder my stomach is big and round like a balloon stucks under my shirt.

Hmm, so that’s it I guess. Imma check my emails or chatting. My email has nothing but full of spams though. In just a few days, I’ll got like hundreds of spammed emails. What sites did I went? Hmmm. Oh well, Imma go chatting ftw! I’ve been friend with a husband and a wife from Indonesia. And it’s fun talkin with them. They already got two children. The oldest is already 6 years old. :)