Confidence

Due to the boredomness I felt these days, the same routines I've been through, so I went to each of my friends' profile in friendster to kill some time. Some of them in college, most in matrics and a quarter has went studying overseas. Me? I'm in matrics. But still, just now I regret for what I did before; not studying hard. I feel envious seeing them.

I heard that after I finished studying in matrics, there'll be some form to be filled which is to continue studying overseas which that'll be my hope to catch. I can't wait for it. Why am I so dying to study at others country? This question always playing in my mind. I think that it's the only way to boost up my confidence, my speaking. The fact of being forced, I mean that would the only way of me to speak in english is by living in their country. Practising with my friend? I don't think so. I'm just too afraid to say even a word in english. I don't know. This weird feeling always come whenever I'll try to speak in english except in my english class where we had to speak in english, either else, our exam mark will be deducted. Noooah!

The fact of me lacking in english language. Not so really. I got excellent marks in writing paper. Plus I jumped to level 5 out of 6 when I first started. This was tested by doing english paper first before entering the matrics. But, if there were speaking test, I bet that I'd be in lower level. This is really frustrating. I think that if I speak in english, I'd speak in wrong grammar, wrong use of words, or that someone will think I'm just showing off. That's what I'm afraid of.

Back to the filling form, however, my mom doesn't allow me. She wants me to study in local university, be with her. I think she doesn't want me to study abroad because she doesn't have the confidence of me being alone, self-arranged in everything I do. Now what this means?? Another reason for me to study abroad! I want to show her that I can do it by MYSELF. I'm not a kid anymore, mom. Please has some confidence of me to do something on my own.. I can't be under your arm all the time (though I do that most of the time).

Maybe this is due to my ownself. Back when I was in form 1, I went to boarding school which is also the school where my mother taught. Although I got to see her everyday except weekend, I cried at her a LOT whenever she went to visit me. It was embarrassing actually. My dorm-mates usually will peek at the window if thet knew my mom went to the hostel. All of them! I think about 15 of them. That's why I was well-known as mommy's kid.

That was years ago, yet now I'm living in hostel at my matrics. Still, I cried too whenever my parents come to visit me or when I got home, I'd tell EVERYTHING to my mom. This includes when I've fallen in love with some one which I called ' the pink boy'. Well, it was kinda sudden love because I fall in love with him on the first sight! And that was when iftar for BEN students member (bachelor of english), and he wore pink baju melayu at that time. With his sunglasses, aaah.. At first I didn't really noticed him and it started when I went to get some food and he was there. Then, when I reached for kuih lapis suddenly my hands were grabbed by him. He said, "No you can't take this. It's MINE." I was shock surely enough. Then he laughed and said, "Haha, I was just joking". And that time, it was like in a slow-motion, I saw his smile.... very CUTE!! The smile was meant for me~

Ehem, I went too far. so yeah, I tell everything to my mom. So what? But really I really want to study abroad. Once I asked my mom, "Mom, don't you want me to be on newspaper making some utterance for you? Like, "Hello Malaysia, I'm Izyan from University of Harvard (for example) wants to say Selamat Hari Raya to all malaysian, especially to my mom n dad, not to forget my siblings, blah blah.. "" My mom quickly answered a big NO. I knew she wants it sooo much! It's that she doesn't want to be far with her. But this is my own good mom, and for you. I want to make you proud of me. I don't want to be compared with my genius cousin anymore. Whom always got straight A's in her subjects, whom is the best students in her school. Aah, I'm different mom, take the fact. I want to grow up..